06 3 / 2012
As you may have fuggin read, this squirrel convinced her Daddy to buy her a new car. I get a new car like every fuggin two years or so, but It’s always an exciting experience. Daddy is coming out next week to test drive cars with me and “negotiate” the price for me. Like, I don’t do negotiating, just tell me a fuggin price. I think negotiating is totes fuggin tacky, but whatevsies. I’ve narrowed down my choices to the fuggin vehicles below. Y’allz help a squirrel out, I’m so fuggin indecisive.
OPTION A: This is the Audi A5. It’s fuggin hot as shit, and fast and stuff. Plus, like if Drake were a car, he’d be this car. Yeah, I know I totes think like a guy when it comes to cars. Whatevsies.
OPTION B: This is a BMW 6 Series. So I’ve totes have LOVED BMWs since I saw fuggin Clueless when I was a little girl. Murray has that hot red convertible 3 series. Well, Murray’s Daddy totes should have gotten him a 6 Series because they’re like the fuggin Louis of BMWs and the 3 Series is like fuggin Coach or something. Like, they’re both nice, but one is totes better than the other.
OPTION C: Fuggin GMC Denali. Needz I say more? Nothing says “I’m white but I WILL fuggin cut you” like a Denali. That, and I could load this betch down with some fuggin squirrel pups one day.
OPTION D: Ok, I know it’s fuggin far fetched, but I really wantz this betch. I don’t know if Daddy would buy me this Maybach because it costs more than his fuggin car, AND the only person I know of that owns the Exelero coupe is fuggin Birdman. Wtf, I mean all rappers get fuggin poor eventually (except P. Diddy and Jay-Z) so maybz he’d be willing to sell it? IDK, I personally think it’s worth a fuggin try…though I haz a feeling if Daddy bought it, he’d keep it….
What do you betches think? Option A,B,C, or D?!?
05 3 / 2012
ilike2party00 asked: So I have this like.. booty call/sex buddy? We've had drunk sex like 3 times, hung out sober once, and sometimes sober text occasionally. I kind of like him, but I don't know if it's appropriate to let him know that or if he thinks this is strictly a drunken sex relationship. Any advice? Btw fugging love your tumblr and twitter. Stay squirrely.
Wellz, that’s a good question. Many a relationship has started as a drunken booty call. The question to fuggin ask yourself is do you have anything in common besides sex? Like sure, we all wanna fug someone who we have chemistry with. Howeverz, sex a relationship does not make (I think fuggin Shakespeare said that). Do you have betches in common? Do you have some of the same hobbies (don’t make the mistake of thinking drinking and fuggin are hobbies) like fuggin sailing or like horses?
You also have to ask yourself how was the sober hangout sesh? Like was it awk as fug because it felt like you should be like sexing it up or whatevsies. These situations are so fuggin unique. If you feel like there may something there besides just like the random 2am booty call, then yes you should fuggin say something. You should invite him to like a fuggin study sesh or whatevsies at Starbucks (somewhere with no booze and no other people around) then like casually invite him back to your place. If you two can fuggin hangout fueled on nothing but fuggin sugary caffeinated nomzness and have sex that way, then I think there could be something there.
Just make sure that you really fuggin like this guy. You may need to ask yourself is it worth potentially losing a good sex buddy for a potentially amazies bf. Best of luck!
05 3 / 2012
Recently I’ve been told that I’m fuggin shallow because I put such an importance on a guy’s bank account. Yeaz, like I know it seems like I’m some fuggin gold digger betch or something, but that is totes not the case. There are several legit reasons for this. So next time someone tells you that you’re a fuggin gold digger or like whatevsies, just refer to these great reasons why you wantz a man with fuggin money in the bank (and pref a fuggin boat).
Ok, first off, like I think a man should be a man. A husband should like fuggin take care of his wifey and children. There’s a reason the saying “the man brings home the bacon”, exists and it’s not because they fuggin grocery shop (you have to get a maid or whatevsies for that). That being fuggin said, it’s not like I want to get married to the first fuggin baller to ask me, and I don’t want to marry someone just because they’re totes loaded (though it increases their chance of making me a holla back squirrel). I have like dreams and stuff of my own, so a guy’s dreams have to be equal to or greater than mine. What woman wants to be like “hey baby, I had a totes awesome day at work” and her hubby is all like a fuggin starving artist. Umz, no. I need a man who can earn more than me because if he doesn’t then he’ll all feel emasculated and shit, and then that’s bad. First there’s awk as fug fights, then he fuggin cries, and then it’s like no fuggin sex… No, you do not wanna fuggin go there.
Secondly, I’m just trying to maintain a lifestyle. Most Daddy’s tell their daughters that once they’re married, the support is done. While I don’t live in my Daddy’s house, I still love off his fuggin bank account. So how am I supposed to go from fuggin baller status to like eating fuggin mac and cheese every night? Umz, the short answer is IDK, because that fuggin shit would never happen.
Lastly, I don’t wanna be with someone who doesn’t put an importance on money, it’ll like eventually make them feel totes awk in my fam. Like if my uncle is talking about his new villa or something and my husband is all like talking about The Olive Garden, it’d totes be like, WAIT, WHAT? Or if like I marry a guy who like doesn’t know how to fuggin sail or ride, what is he going to do on family get togethers? I mean, I guess someone can always learn how to be a WASP, but like someone should be who they are, right?
I’m just being honest, sorries I’m not sorries.
03 3 / 2012
If you follow me on Twitter (which you totes should @FatSquirrelDG) you should fuggin know I have an annoying little brother that I fuggin can’t stand. Like I know that everyone has an annoying little brother or like whatevsies but my little brother is like fuggin toetsmcgotes the most annoying person on the planet. I like don’t get how he’s like all in college and like doesn’t even want to rush for a frat. He’s too old now, he just turned 21 and like in my opinion you totes should rush in freshman year. He like should be a fuggin senior and all but like he’s always fuggin stoned and shit.
Like not only is he a fuggin worthless geed, but he like tries to act like he’s like not from a rich family. IDK who fuggin does that. The only time he fuggin admits where he comes from is for like street cred with his “dealers” who are also white kids from fuggin rich families that have seen one too many rap vids. Instead of using his money and name to fuggin network so he can one day get a fuggin real job and get married to a nice soro girl and make babies to be my nieces and nephews he uses his money to like IDK act like he’s fuggin Drake or something (who’s only HALF white and like totes better looking that my bro). I’m embarrassed to say that he drinks like fuggin tall boys and shit. When you have access to money, you don’t fuggin drink tall boys! You drink fuggin aged scotch and vodka in fancy bottles!
What do you lovely followers suggest I do about this? One day I’m going to get married and he cannot be at my wedding acting like a fuggin thugged out geed with his white trash ghetto flavor of the fuggin week. Is it sistervention time? Do I fuggin need to force him to tennis and riding lessons followed by a game of fuggin golf with some respectable men? I needz feedback on this one.
03 3 / 2012
tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Fuggin like Paris or like somewhere really romantic and stuff. Or like wherever P.S. I Love You was filmed..IDK I think that was like Scotland or like Ireland or Holland… Whatevsies. That guy was like so fuggin hot and was the perf gentleman. Like I wish my boyfriend would write me letters. Totes not fairsies. Whatevsies, back to the fuggin question. I think that was Ireland… but yeah I’d wanna go there because those guys in the movie were totes hot and sweet.
03 3 / 2012
Hey betches, it’s your fave fat squirrel in DG. Since fuggin Twitter limits its betches to 140 characters, this blog will let me say the things that have really been on my freaking mind. Totes feel free to share this blog or my fuggin Twitter with your friends and stuff. Also tell me if there are subjects you’d like the squirrel to write about. Like how to make an adorbz toga. The best frats to date within. How to get fuggin white girl wasted without being that betch that vomz all over the party. Whatevz, pretty much anything is for grabsies.
Lovez you betches.